Thursday, July 30, 2009

Are you believing in your fears or your dreams?

Once a month I meet with 8 of my closest friends. We are more than just friends, we know every thing about each other and we coach each other on living big.  Lauren is the one who directs the meetings and the work we do is based on the method of life coaching she developed called "The Handel Method".  I have been being coached by her for about 6 years now.  
Last night we had our monthly meeting and the first thing we do is go around and give each other updates on our lives since the last time we saw each other. It was the first time I had seen them since I had the miscarriage.  They all knew of course, but it's different when you see your friends face to face and share about how you feel instead of over an email or text.

So when it came to be my turn I shared my heart out.  I shared about my disappointment and that I was going to try again.  Lauren suggested that what my truth was was that I was not believing and that I was scared and mad.  She was right.  I realized I was scared, mad and not believing.  She suggested I write down all of the thoughts I have been having. All the thoughts, the bad and the ugly and until I really can be with the truth of how I am feeling I will not be able to get to the other side.  That I will not be able to get to believing in my dream if I am believing in my fears.  I had been believing in my fears.  If I wasn't believing in my fears I wouldn't be so upset. 

So I shared that I am scared I will not get pregnant, that I am too old and that it will never happen.  That I am so upset that I have to do it again and I just want it NOW! I don't want to wait anymore. I am tired of waiting. Everyone else around me is pregnant and it is not fair that still I am not pregnant.  I am scared that I am not going to have my dream of being pregnant and although adopting is a beautiful thing to do it is not what I want! I want to be pregnant and I want it NOW! 

The real work here is getting myself to believe and I think the way to believing is by telling the whole truth about what the negative thoughts are having instead of tucking them away and putting a smile over them.  It won't work because if we are hiding them it is because we are believing them and we don't want to acknowledge them.  Bringing them to the light and sharing them and saying them out loud helps to disempower them. 

So I shared my fears out loud with my loving beautiful class this morning and I just told the truth. Then we did intenSati and I am in a different place now! 

The lesson is that we take our thoughts so seriously and when we have fears we often try to stuff them away or ignore them. The problem with that is that when we ignore them or stuff them away they get louder and bigger.  If instead we look at them, say them out loud and question them, they lose their strength.  It is like pulling the weeds in the garden before you plant the flowers.  

Don't be afraid of your true feelings.  Tell the truth and then you can move on.  Learning to really believe is a deep spiritual practice and sometimes we need a little help from our friends.

If you are upset and feeling sorry for yourself, take Lauren's coaching and write down all of your negative thoughts and worries and get them all on paper.  Tell the whole truth and then you will not be so afraid of them and they will not feel so real to you anymore.

Keep the faith!

If you want some handel coaching they are the only life coaches I use and love! Reach out to them if you are feeling stuck, fearful, doubtful or you need some support in defining your dream.  Email or go to my website and see their info there.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I almost sold out on my dream today! How about you?

Today I went to go see my acupuncturist at the Berkley Center in NYC. Her name is Erin Hessel.  We were discussing our plans to move forward. Acupuncture for fertility is quite common these days and I have been up to anything that really will increase my chances. 

Kellen and I had been worried about the cost of both of us doing the extra acupuncture treatments but I had been set on doing whatever it takes to improve my chances.  In my mind earlier I had already decided that one positive thing about my last miscarriage was that I would have another chance to get pregnant with my egg.  Our real dream is to fertilize Kellen's eggs and mine and pray for twins but of course be thrilled with one. If we have multiple fertilized embryos we will both try and get pregnant and see what happens.

As I sat with Erin today and I started to discuss with her the chances of me producing follicles this time around I felt myself getting discouraged and saying, well maybe we should just have Kellen do the acupuncture to improve the quality of her eggs since its such a slim chance for me.  She did agree that if one of us was going to do it it would be best to have Kellen be the one.  I almost gave in to that and then I caught myself and realized that if I didn't really give it my best shot this time I regret it. Yes it is a long shot but there is a chance and I don't want to miss this chance.  For what, a few dollars? Seriously? I was willing to sell out on our dream for money?  Then as I thought about it I realized the real reason I was back peddling was because I was getting nervous about feeling the disappointment again of not producing follicles. I was making my decision based on fear and not on hope or love.  I was trying to avoid more heartache and pain but if I made the decision not to go for it I would be closing that opportunity forever. I want to give it one more try, just one more and see what happens. I believe in miracles, I believe in the power of prayer, I believe that anything is possible so I am going to make the decision based on that. Erin wholeheartedly agreed and agreed to do her part 180%!

So I almost sold out on our dream today. I almost let fear win in my decision making. I could have easily said we just can't afford it but I would have always known it was fear and I would have had to live with that decision.  

We decided together that we are both going for it and hold our dream in our hearts, do everything we can and let go of the outcome.  What will be will be but we are going to do our part in supporting our dream and the rest is out of our hands.  No matter what we are never giving up and we are in it to win it! Love is on our side.

Where are you selling out on your dream? Where are you making your dream smaller so you don't have to deal with disappointment or failure?  Where are you making your decisions from fear instead of faith or love?

Living a Sati life means you are willing to live consciously and keep improving the conversations you have with yourself daily. Learn to bring more love into your thoughts, words and actions and live the life you dream of!

Monday, July 27, 2009

What is on your list of things you are unwilling to share?

I have learned such a valuable lessons in this past week and a half. When I was growing up I had a very difficult time expressing my feelings, telling the truth about what was going on in my life and also letting people in my personal life.  When I developed intenSati I realized that what had people perk up and pay attention to what I had to say was my willingness to share my personal situation.  I made a choice early on in my Sati teaching to be open, intimate and have nothing on my list of things that I was unwilling to share about.  

The only reason I was able to make the choice was because my intention was to make this practice real, powerful and personal so that it would get to the hearts of my students. I knew if I could speak to their hearts then they would be able to soften and open to themselves as well. What I didn't know was how much it was actually helping me soften and get into my own heart.

Over the years I have shared many of my challenges and struggles but when it came to choosing to share about my desire to have a baby I hesitated and asked myself if I could really share something that was so out of my control. What if I failed, would I look bad? Would people be too sad for me that I couldn't handle it? Could I really openly share that much emotion?

I chose to do it because I knew that no matter what the outcome it would be a valuable lesson for anyone to see how I use the Sati principles to deal with what every person in the world deals with, fear of failure and disappointment. 

When I got pregnant I was so happy and relieved that I could finally, after a year and a half of trying to get pregnant, celebrate with everyone.  I knew that sharing early on was a big leap. I could have just shared with the 400 or so people in my class instead of the 6000 or so people in my community. I chose to go all the way!

Well here is where the greatest gift came in. After I shared about my having a miscarriage I received so much love and support.  I know I touched on this earlier but I felt it was important enough to really impress upon you the gift I have received.  The sharing, something I would never do before was actually how I was able to move from deep disappointment and fear to optimism and faith.  I have not just put the sadness to the side and am ignoring it. I shared it. I felt it and because I had a chance to share it in every class and through my blog, posts and tweets I have healed so quickly.  The amount deep caring I felt from all of you was so profound that it made me feel even more deeply connect to you and to myself.

 Now I am on the other side. I am feeling optimistic again. I have been able to shift my perspective from why is this happening to me to why is this happening for me and I have found so many reasons why.

What I hope you will come away with from this is that when you let people in and let them know you, love you and support you, you will find your healing, your courage and your self love growing.  It is not healing to stuff away or hide your emotions and sharing with people who will  remind you it is all ok and it is all going to work out will help everyone grow.

The lesson learned was, when we keep something to ourselves it is often a sign of fear that we will look bad, we feel ashamed or we don't want others to really know us on that intimate level.  I know, I have been there. Now I have felt the power and the healing of sharing and I suggest you go deeper in your sharing. The more you give the more you get.  

Ask yourself what is on your list of things you are unwilling to share with your friends, family and loved ones.  Let love in!


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dream Body

If you have been struggling with your weight or your body image and you are ready to be "done" I highly recommend you check out the Handel Group personal coaching.  They do individual and group coaching and there is a group starting on August 4th.  It is not a diet, it is about you really transforming what you think, how you think and how you live in relationship to your body. It is a great investment.  Check them out and if you are interested, they offer a discount to anyone who gets the invitation from me.  You are officially invited to check them out! 



Dream Body

A Life You Love in a Body You Love

In this coaching series, we will explore how your thoughts influence your actions with regard to having a great body. You will learn how to articulate your "dream body," stop excuses from sabotaging you, and develop a renewed self-trust based on personal integrity. And, you will lose weight! It’s not a fad diet or an extreme approach; it is about learning to regain the power of your convictions and your personal integrity, which will give you the ability to do what you wish to do. This is directly correlated to being proud of yourself and being connected to your own power.

In this Group Coaching Program you will:


 Expose and explore the misconceptions about food, health and dieting that have been informing your actions/choices until now


 Resolve past issues that still have an effect on your ability to attain and/or maintain your ideal weight


 Learn how to lose weight and keep it off from a whole new paradigm


 Make a plan and learn to stick to it with ease and clarity


This is the right program for someone who:


 Is interested in having a healthy, beautiful body


 May have tried other methods of losing weight that haven’t worked or lasted


 Wants to gain a healthy, realistic perception of body and self


 Is ready to do the real work of finding out why the dissatisfaction sticks around


If you are ready to live in a body you love, come design it from the inside out!

Starting August 4th

Conference call kick-off: 3 hours on Tuesday, August 4th, 6:00-9:00pm EST

Weekly conference calls for 12 weeks on Tuesdays 6-7pm EST

Tuition: $300/month for 4 months

($200 off for Sati-lifers)

Led By HG Coach, Christine Cunningham

For more information or to register please call (800) 617-7040

Or email

Monday, July 20, 2009

Why is this happening for us?

Kellen and I began Friday morning very sad and disappointed. After I sent out the message to all of our friends and family about out loss we were overwhelmed with the hundreds of emails and posts we immediately received in less than one hour. By Sunday night we had received so many that we felt as if everyone around us was holding us up and giving us so much love. It made it almost impossible to focus on the sadness. We read each one and each one made an impact on us. We heard so many of your stories that you have been in the same place. We even heard from so many of you we have never even met. It made a huge difference for us both. Thank you all for reaching out and sending us your message of love.

Kellen and I decided keep our plans to go to fire island for the weekend. Our intention was to take the weekend and allow it to be exactly what we needed it to be. If we needed to cry, sleep, dance, eat, sunbath, be alone or be with friends we would. It turned out to be magical weekend where everything seemed to be working in our favor even when at first it didn't look that way.
We hung out with friends, we sunbathed, we ate amazing food, we cried and shared, we read your messages and hugged each other a lot. 

We had the opportunity to visit with our friends Chris and Victor. They are a couple who have been where we are. Victor shared with me some powerful words from August Gold who speaks at the Sacred Center in New York. He told me the questions he learned to ask himself was, “why is this happening for me?” 

Kellen and I later that day as we walked we asked each other, “why do you think this is happening for us?” We came up with many good reasons but ultimately we settled on knowing that we don’t know everything and that we simply choose to trust that whatever happens is always in our best interest.

Later in the afternoon I remembered a quote I heard from one of Wayne Dyer’s lectures. He was quoting one of his teachers and he said that his teacher, after being asked if he every get angry or upset he said “no because nothing ever goes wrong in my world”

I realized that the first few emails I sent out on Friday to my close friends and family said in the subject line, “bad news”. Later in the day I changed it to “sad news”. We both agree that we will not label this situation “bad or wrong” we will just look at it as a result. We have a goal, we haven’t achieved the desired result yet so we will simply continue with the faith that it is on it’s way. My friend Jo sent me a quote from Churchill that said, "success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.  We have not lost our enthusiasm!

Saturday night we went to a beautiful party and we came across a friend of ours we hadn’t seen in over 6 months. He asked sincerely, “what has been going on in your life, fill me in”. I hesitated for a moment to bring up our news since we were at a party and I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry more or not but there was nothing I could talk about that would answer that question other than my most recent news. I told him we had been trying to get pregnant for the past two years and finally two months ago I conceived and yesterday we had to terminate. I went into a few more details than that but my final words were the ones that hit me with the biggest gift. I said, “These past two months were the happiest two months of my entire life. I got pregnant, I felt beautiful, happy, alive, thrilled, loved, loving, nervous, excited and in awe.” When those words came out of my mouth I got what a gift these past two months have been and I did not have to see it as a loss at all but a celebration. I did get pregnant and if it can happen once it can happen again.

Now our goal is to have the best summer ever! We are simply going to celebrate the life we have today. We will make plans to begin when my body feels ready and we feel the time is right. I have learned that things are not happening on my time but there really is the perfect time. We are going with the flow and we are sure we will know what to do next and when to do it.

Thank you again. Your love and support was deeply moving and an unforgettable reminder of the healing power of a loving community.

With great appreciation,
Patricia and Kellen

Friday, July 17, 2009

Some sad news today. July 17, 2009

Yesterday Kellen and I received some very sad news. We went in for our 8 week sonogram and there was no heartbeat.  We were absolutely shocked because everything was moving along perfectly. As you can imagine we are both terribly sad.

One thing we know is we do not always choose our circumstances but we can choose how we see them and this is a test of our ability to do just that. 

The most challenging thing any of us face when we put our hearts on the line and go for our dreams is handling the disappointments and failures along the way.  We can handle this, especially with so much love from our family, friends and lovely community.

We took the chance to live out loud and share all the steps along the way so that those of you on your own challenging journey will find comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

Right now the sadness is strong but knowing soon we can try again gives us relief. 

I hope if you are facing any disappointment or sadness in your life right now that you know you can and will get through it. Just feel it and then let it go and think of it as growing pains. With each disappointment our wings to fly grow larger and stronger. 

Thank you for all of your love and support.

Patricia and Kellen

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

July 1, 2009 Happy Holiday

As I shared with you before, I am celebrating my pregnancy! It is the most amazing time in our life.  Today we had our first ultrasound.  I had been a little nervous because I am not having the usual symptoms of morning sickness or exhaustion that so many women have by this time.  
So today we went for our first sonogram

Kellen and I went into the doctors office excited and of course nervous.  When Dr. Batzofin began looking for the baby on the sonogram it took him a while to find it.  He even asked, have you been having any pain? At that point kellen squeezed my hand and we both held our breath.  Then seconds later, which felt like many minutes, he said, "there it is, and look it has a heartbeat!" At that both we both breathed and both cried!   "How many" we asked? One! Incredible!

Today we found out that I am 6 weeks and one day pregnant, it is the size of a sesame seed and it has a heartbeat! I was amazed to know it already has a heartbeat. 

As you may or may not know, I am married to Kellen Mori, a beautiful Brazilian woman who is a dentist.  We have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now.  This was my 3rd IVF attempt.  On this round we tried a new doctor, added herbs and acupuncture and we decided to both go through the process and see which one of us got pregnant.  We knew we were taking a chance and that both of us could end up pregnant at the same time but we were interested in increasing our chances so we went for it.  Turns out, I got pregnant with Kellen's egg.  She carried 3 fertilized embryos and I carried 3.  The interesting thing that even  Dr. Batzofin brought up today is that it is harder to get the  surrogate, me, pregnant than it is to get the mother pregnant. But it actually turned out the way we had been wanting and planning for it to happen.

So how come I got pregnant and kellen didn't? How come all 6 didn't take? I don't have the answer and neither does Dr. B but what I think is that it is a partnership.  It is a partnership between the child and the parents.  I think the child chooses the parent and no matter how perfect the circumstances might be, it will happen when it is right.  There is just an element in the equation that we can't explain.  

I like this perspective because it reminds me to see my parents as perfect for me.  Growing up I may not have always thought they were perfect for me or I may not have felt my childhood was always perfect but now I can choose to see it as perfect because of all it's imperfections. Is this true? I have no way of knowing if this is true or not.  It is just a choice to think about it this way and I like it.

So try it on.  How will things change for you when you think of yourself choosing your parents before you were even the size of a sesame seed with a heartbeat?

I hope you find some joy remembering that you were once that being inside your mom's belly and she was thrilled when she saw your heartbeat for the first time.  Your partnership is perfect and may it continue to reveal it's perfection to you every single day!

Sending you lots of love!

If you are in East Hampton this weekend come by and take a class. for more info.